My First Blog Post

A Journey of “thousands” of miles

Be seen and not heard.

-From the generation of parents before mine.

I’m sitting in our family car, which is a Delta 88 Oldsmobile, right behind my father. I’m tucked in a seatbelt with my younger brother. We are sitting on top of a suitcase so we can see out the window. My parents and one of my 4 siblings are seated 3 across in the front of the car, while there are 4 of us children along the back. We have managed to somehow get to Palo Alto California without killing each other on the LONG drive from Utah. The car stinks. We have dealt with bordem, car sickness, hunger, sleepiness, crappy music, arguing and the likes. We have been gone from home for days. We visited a cabin that is owned by my Great Grandparents for a few days beforhand, and because we were in California, my Dad felt it important for us to visit while we were somewhat close. Too many hours in the car. Days have added up, and now I just want to go home. My young body is done. I cannot wait to get out of the cramped stinky car to run around at my great grandparents house. The traffic in California is insane. It’s nothing like I know of in Utah. My Dad keeps telling my mom how he has to speed because that’s just what you do in California, and you have to keep up. We finally arrive at the house. It looks beautiful to my young eyes. There’s a LEMON tree! Who knew lemons grew in people’s yards? I’m so exicted to explore. My Dad puts the car in park and turns to face all of us. “Remember kids, this is not a place to play. You are to be seen and not heard.” WHAT? I’m not sure what the really means, but I sure want to get out of the car, so I nod my head and say okay. I have gathered from my wiser older brother that I am to be on my best behavior. I’m hoping I find an adventure behind that arched doorway. I cannot wait to find dolls and toys to play pretend. Maybe go in the backyard and climb a tree. We knock on the door and wait. Slowly the door opens and my aged great-grandparents open the door to greet us. We all line up in a way that my Dad can introduce us one by one, give hugs, and apparently we are all going to sit in the living room and talk. Ugh. My Dad motions for us to sit down with a quiet, “Don’t touch anything,” said into our ears. More sitting. NO! The house is beautiful. It looks like something I have seen on television. There’s a grand piano. A GRAND PIANO! I love to play on our simple upright at home and want to touch the keys. No I am told. Oh, and by the way, don’t sit on the bench because my Great Grandmother made the covering on it and I might be dirty. The decor is museum like with figurines that look expensive, furniture that seems impractical, and artwork that my young mind isn’t quite sure how it’s art. I’m hoping for an escape. I heard we were going to go to lunch. Perhaps I can have good behavior until then…hours later, okay maybe miutes, but it feels like hours. “Can I go play somewhere? Is there a toy room? Can I go outside? Do I have to sit here and listen to you and Mom talk?” I’m not sure how long I lasted, but I am BORED! I’m hoping Dad will give me relief. Shsh! Is all I am told. Finally I am not the only one who is restless. It looks like all 5 kids are. Great Grandmother takes us upstairs to a “playroom” of sorts. “Be gentle with the toys, don’t break anything, the toys are old.” There are dolls in a glass cage in the hallway. I wonder why I cannot play with them. The toys that are there are interesting enough to hold our attention for a time. Tin toys, blocks, old looking books, a pull toy. Suddenly our Mom appears. “You were told to be quiet. You can be in here, but we should not be able to hear all of you.” Okay Mom. We all hush for awhile. Soon we are all bored again. We have to go to the bathroom, we’re hungry, we start to wander downstairs. We sit on laps, and quietly ask if we can go outside, leave, eat, anything. Finally Dad relents and asks if we can see the backyard. Oh to be outside! There’s a massive tree in the center of the yard. Leaves that are larger than I have ever seen before. I’m so happy for fresh air, and it seems my siblings feel the same. The older people talk while we explore and look around for a bit. Finally my Great Grandparents say it’s time to go to lunch. Better words were never spoken! Somewhere with a playplace please. Nope. We are headed for Sizzler, they have a buffet for lunch. What’s Sizzler?

This is a picture into what I would begin to understand as the: “Put on a happy face and be seen and not heard” mantra. There’s nothing wrong with it. Especially for where I was and whom I was with. Honestly, as a mother and adult now, I understand the thoughts and feelings of those adults. They just wanted to get together and not worry about a bunch of kids infringing on their time. I get it. I need to chat and be with adults and friends too. Somtimes though, we need to listen to our kids, and the people around us. Maybe, just maybe they have something to say. Maybe they know something important. Maybe, just maybe they will change your life or your perspective. Maybe everyone needs a chance to have a voice.

Mother’s Day

Am I the only one who dislikes Mother’s Day? I mean really. It is supposed to be this celebration about motherhood, but does it really celebrate motherhood?

Mostly I feel guilt on Mother’s Day. Guilt for all the things I cannot do, and can not accomplish, and the patience I do not have, as well as the love I cannot give.

Motherhood is hard. Downright the most difficult thing in the entire world, and the worst part is that it doesn’t matter how much time you dedicate to you children and family, they will always need more, and they will not say thank you, or appreciate you, or even notice your efforts. You will go to bed every night wishing you could have listened more, loved more, hugged more, been less angry and just more motherly. It does not even matter who you are, all mothers feel this way.

Another really difficult thing is that there are women out there who would give anything to be a mother and they want what you have, and you wish they could see how hard it is so they could appreciate what they have. You know it’s an unwritten rule, but still a rule, that those of us that are mothers are not supposed to ever complain about motherhood. I have lots of swears in reaction to that “rule,” but I will just say, you never know the difficulties if you have never been there. Does not even matter the situation, whether motherhood, or not being able to be a mom, no one understands what you suffer through and no one should tell you to not feel how you feel because they believe you “should” be grateful for what you have.

Here’s my advice to all the women, love each other. You know you will not get the recognition and the day you desire from those you wish would give it to you, so love the other women who surround you and support them in their Mother’s Day, and it will improve yours.

When no one Likes Me

Recently, I have had too many opportunities to be reminded that I am not for everyone. Many people do not like my personality and many feel that I am too overbearing, that I insert myself where I am not wanted, that I have too strong of opinions, that I am too much of a perfectionist, just too much. It’s hard to hear and be reminded. I have a good heart and I never mean to hurt people. I am always trying to be helpful and honest. I like honesty and sincerity. I have tried to be different so many times, but it’s not who I am, it’s not sincere. That leaves me where I am. I’m not for everyone, and sometimes it hurts. Painfully hurts.

The truth is, it is okay, and we’re not supposed to be “liked” all of the time. We all get chances to learn, grow, and to be hated. It can be a good thing. It does not take away the pain, but it can help us face it. We are better when we do not pretend, and when we do not try to imitate or be someone we are not.

My biggest hope is that all of us can step back sometimes and try to see others hearts. Perhaps that person whom you think overstepped, or over performed, or inserted their opinion, was actually just trying to help. Maybe they are having a bad day. Maybe they think what they are doing is good, helpful and correct. If we can all step back and think before being offended, that my friends would sure help bring peace to us and to others.


Recently my family has been experiencing many trials. Things that are sometimes so difficult to face that you just want to crawl back in bed and pretend it will all go away. This seems like a good idea sometimes, and for some days, it probably is.

Whenever I face times like these, I like to try to understand what I need. I like to think, what am I fearing the most? What has me so hung up I can’t let go? What am I so personally concerned about? All of these are important to consider, but also, what do I need right now? What is one thing I can do that will help me get through today? What can I personally do to right what’s wrong? Circumstances are just that, circumstances. They are not good or bad. What we do and think and feel about them can change everything.

I personally am working on my thoughts and feelings. There’s so much I can do to help me and help the circumstance not hurt so badly. I have power to change my world through my thoughts and habits and so can you. This is the best news, amazing really. We can do hard things.


If there’s one thing you can do to improve your overall health it’s getting a good nights sleep right? Yes, it’s true, I know it is. There’s probably a million and one studies proving that fact and I have read bits of them through other means. What these studies don’t tell you is how to fall asleep after being awakened.

I have this problem. I equate it to being a mom, but who knows? If I get awakened between 2 AM and 5 AM, my sleep is toast. I may as well get up for the day and workout and get busy. This happened today. I went to bed at 10:30, but did not get to sleep until some time after 11 because my husband didn’t turn off his phone and come to bed until 11. Why is his screen so bright anyway? Lol. I forgot to put my watch in sleep mode, so about 3:35 AM I got a notice of some sort come through on my watch and have been awake ever since. Argh!

What is one to do when you can’t fall back asleep? Sometimes I find centered and intentional breathing helps, sometimes listening to a monotone voice, sometimes remembering I am loved and safe, and sometimes reading scriptures all help me go back to sleep. Unfortunately, days like today, I am awake and nothing is helping.

The best thing that I have done in regards to my sleep is to go to bed earlier and when I feel tired. That way, if I get awakened, at least I got some sleep. Other things I have done to improve my sleep that have helped are: blackout curtains, a white noise machine, not eating or drinking late, a good mattress, no screens an hour before bed, reading some of a calming book before bed, and getting up at the exact same time every day regardless of the night I had.

Sometimes, a restful night is not possible, like tonight for me, but don’t give up, because a good night’s rest is the absolute best thing we can do for our health. It helps the mind, body, and spirit. How do you help yourself get better sleep?


Recently I was speaking with a neighbor of mine when I made an observation, in which I was also included. She turned to me and said, “It’s probably because they are afraid of what you might say.” She said it in an honest, but giggly manner. I tried to brush it off, but here’s the truth. It’s not my problem what other people think and view of me. Now, I’m not saying rudeness is right, and I am not a rude person, most people aren’t, but I am saying people often choose an idea against what was intended because of where they are coming from, and what their past dictates. None of us know peoples pasts exactly, so it is possible anything we say or do, can end up being misunderstood or misinterpreted.

It’s unfortunate for some that they choose offense when none is intended. It’s unfortunate that our humanness sometimes gets in the way. The truth is, I am a good person with a good heart and I have a lot to offer my neighbors and friends. It’s sad that sometimes folks cannot see beyond one past incident or past something. Everyone is growing and changing and learning. How many times in our lives do we look past someone for something because of something they said or did years ago? Would we personally like to be judged on one thing from our past?

I know there are many people who choose growth. I am not the only one who ends up amazed at how different I thought some one would turn out, or how different someone is from what I thought they were. For instance, if you’ve ever gone home, or to a 20+ year high school reunion, how many people have changed? All. How many are doing and are the people that you thought they would be? Zero. People change. People do not stay the way we think. Everyone has said or done something in their past that others did not think was “right.” However, are we giving everyone the same chance in our minds and hearts to be the people they can be potentially? I think it’s worth considering.

Perhaps we are passing people up who have more to give. Maybe we can consider that. We usually learn the most from the least expected people. Let’s not sell ourselves short because of what we think we “might” know, or we “might” expect. In the end, we “might” be surprised. It “might” be good to open our hearts to opportunities of growth to allow the growth of others. It is my hope we can move beyond what we have judged people to be, so that we can allow others the same chances we wish for ourselves.


Being a mother has to be the hardest job in the entire world. Not only did one sacrifice their body for the child/children they brought into the world, but it’s a mental sacrifice as you raise those said children.

It’s amazing to me that what I thought would be the best job in the world, seems to be the most difficult. Every single day I am told what a terrible mom I am, how I don’t listen or care, and how hated I am. Fun right?!! Yeah, when I was a child/teen I did not picture this as my life. I thought the kids I would have, would realize how amazing I am and how lucky they are to have a mom who cares. One who tries no matter how hard things get. One who does give her all.

Guess what? The kids do not see it that way. I guess they are a long way from appreciating what they have. I just hope at some point they do, because if they don’t, what was it all for anyway?


January is a time where we seem to consider where our health stands. Isn’t that interesting? We have 11 other months to care and we seem to consider our bodies, minds, diets, life choices etc., only in January. Mind boggling.

I have been on a health journey for many years. I have had many struggles with my body. The journey has brought many things to my attention. One is that we could consider our health, minds, and more daily. What would happen if we did this? It’s quite the consideration.

What if you woke up every morning curious about how you were going to influence your body for the better that day? What if you thought, “What is one thing I can do to improve my body today?” Do you think that would change anything? I do.

If we were to consider one thing, no matter how tiny, that we could do each and every day to improve ourselves, I think we would start seeing dramatic changes in our lives. Little things are what influence and start big things. We don’t eat an elephant in a day, we do it a bite at a time. Facing and organizing our health is the exact same.

Fads, crash diets, crazy workouts, and more, these end up failures because we are trying to drastically change who we are and it’s not a long term feasible thing we can do forever. It’s why we haven’t found the “magic formula” or “pill” that will change us immediately and forever. We are beings who build ourselves and change our habits ssssllllloooowwwllllyyy. If we try to rush like the hare, we don’t win like the turtle.

Our minds and our bodies love and accept gradual change. I want you to consider what you see feasible. What you know you can do to help you each day. I would love to hear what it is. I personally am focusing on my breathing today. Taking 5 minutes to make sure I am breathing properly and helping my body get the oxygen it needs to function. This will be best for me because I have a lot of stress going on in my life. Breath will help me be calmer. What’s your small thing?


Many things have been on my mind this last year. I have been hurt and criticized so many times that I have started to change, but not because of anything anyone said or did to me that was hurtful.  Do you realize that criticism does not change people? Individuals choose to change themselves. Also, when we ask and expect people to change, we usually find that they don’t change in the way we desired, but they push against it.  Interesting right?!

 I have realized that some people do not matter. Not in a harmful type of way, but there are those people that take more from me and my ability to function than is necessary.  Did you know that it is absolutely okay to set boundaries for yourself? Do you know that is is also okay to remove yourself from a “friendship” or a “relationship” by personal choice or desire? I was not allowing myself to choose.  I tend to be the type of person who does not want to hurt others.  I truly believe that it is completely possible to change.  If one wants to, one can.  I do not believe that there is no hope for anyone in this world.  The problem comes though, when one does not have a desire to change, or one does not know that they need to change.  It’s a real thing.  There absolutely are folks who are not going to respect you, people who think less of you and those that do not think that you are worth their time, or there are those who do not believe that you have anything important to say.  Guess what. Those people are not worth the bandwidth in your brain and the time it would take to be their friends.  Those that matter, will not ask or expect you to change or to be different.  These are the folks that we need to spend more time with and invest our personal bandwidth on developing and sustaining a relationship with. 

Sometimes the hardest decision we face in life is the decision to remove someone from our lives.  It is even more difficult when it’s a family member that you really do want to have a relationship with, but you have learned that it is one sided.  You are the only one who actually wants to work on a relationship and have one.  The realization of this is the good news. You can choose something different. You can make your life better. You do not need anyone else to make your life better. You have control of your life. 

Did you know this is the best news ever? You have choice. Not choosing something or someone different, that is also a choice. I am so excited about this news. We do not have to be upset with anyone. We can just make the choice to change. 

I love having the knowledge that I am the one in control of my life. I get to choose, and even not choosing is also a choice. I feel empowered knowing that I can change my thoughts and feelings. How cool is that?!!


I sit and wonder every single day where faith has disappeared to. Faith specifically in God our Eternal Father. As an American society it seems we have decided to brush away God. Brush off his teachings and follow our brother Lucifer.

Now I know that I have with that one paragraph made some leave my page. However, this is my voice. I am only one person, as is Lucifer, as is Christ. One person. That’s what makes a difference. ONE.

As we have been going through this pandemic of fear, because it really is, people seem to have forgotten the first two great commandants. Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all they heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. These are our greatest commandments, yet EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I hear of, or have been treated, or see someone treating another badly. The same can be said for the first commandment. The respect and worship of God Almighty has diminished to almost null and void.

I have been pondering why we let fear rule our life. It’s valid, it’s necessary and sometimes even good, however it can become a crutch, a tool, and a weapon. I had a conversation recently with someone close to me. They told me basically that I was a bad mother if I didn’t “make” my kids wear masks. Is that accurate? 100% NO!!! However, did it hurt? Did it make me question my worth, parenting, existence? Yep. I also had another person tell me I wouldn’t make it Heaven if I did not vaccinate myself personally. How that hurt. My favorite part, these 2 people do not come to my home, they do not see me at home with my family, they do not actually “know” what goes on at my house, even if they think they do, yet they say hurtful, hurtful things. I find this disturbing. How can one be so full of fear they forget to “see” another?

Now, I am sure I have been in this quandary myself before. I’m not saying I haven’t. (Hello teenage years, and other difficult times.) However, I have found as I purposefully place myself closer to Christ and God that I am able to work through my feelings of fear and see people again. We are all on this path of wanting to make it to Heaven. We are all trying, whether we judge someone to be or not. We all fought the war in Heaven for agency. AGENCY. We as a people seem to want Lucifer’s plan at this time and want to dictate matters and take others agency away from them. Sad, so sad.

I am a firm believer that when given options, education, time, pondering, and through prayer, we can find our answers and make the best choice for us. God will lead us by his hand. None of us are likely to get the same exact answer and that it TOTALLY OKAY! I have always taught my kids that they get to choose. What to wear, what to eat, what to watch, whether or not to get baptized, whether or not to go to church, whether or not to wear a mask, get vaccinated, etc. These quandaries are a daily part of our lives. For example, when one of my children was deciding whether or not to be baptized, my husband and I clearly told them they did not have to be. It was their decision. We had taught them, given them information, told them to pray about it and left it to them. For a short time, this child chose not to be baptized. We were criticized by some for letting them choose, but if God states at 8 years of age they are capable of knowing right and wrong, I have the faith that he is correct. Eventually through their own personal prayer, they chose baptism. I have another child who as a teen has decided they are done with church. Especially the going to church. Well, we asked them to pray and ponder and let us know. Now, I don’t know if they actually prayed, but they chose to not go and we have allowed that. We have received criticism for this too. Last night, I had a child come to me and tell me they had been praying about mask wearing. My heart burst! This is my youngest child. They said they knew they were supposed to mask at least for now. Through tears, they said, but I don’t want to. As we talked, they helped me testify how sometimes it’s really hard to listen and follow the counsel to our prayers, but when we do, we are blessed.

Honestly, it does not matter what the choice is, or the heaviness you carry. When taken to the Lord and really working on building our faith in God, fear will leave, calm will come over you. I hope everyone will consider spending more time building their faith and less time worrying over a virus and what everyone else is doing. That my friends is the ONLY way to feel peace, calm, and happiness again.


I’m not so good with big changes. This year has been difficult for me. Lots of things out of my control keep changing. The worst part is that there’s no rules. No finite anything. I’m done with it. My body is done with it. I need things to stop changing. I need to not have to literally question every single thing I do, and at this point everything I think. I constantly worry about offending someone because I didn’t do something correctly, forgot something, or even just because I am completely oblivious. I feel like we have completely missed the mark. This whole thing has no definitive purpose. Does anyone actually know what the purpose is? There’s ideas and thoughts, but nothing is clear. People are losing their minds, their jobs, their humanity. All of this has become ridiculous. When will we open our eyes and stop? Just stop. I don’t know where anyone else is at, but I know that I am done. My family is done. This whole “pandemic” mindset shutdown government running your life and the constant barrage of negative news has GOT.TO.STOP. People need to be human again, not robots. We need to go back to a world where it’s okay to make mistakes and think differently. We need to go back to a space where we can get out of our cars or hold a gathering without worrying about a hundred things that might offend someone else. We need to be ourselves and be okay with who everyone else is. We are divided because we have lost our humanity. We need some love and understanding. Please reach out and accept others and their choices without judgment. Please try to accept that we all are doing the best we can, and it is really actually okay to fail and to fall. It’s perfectly acceptable to think differently. It’s totally not a problem to be different from everyone else. It is actually okay to not believe everything in the media. Most importantly it’s okay to be you.